So I have to share with you all the ridiculous story of my escape from Florence.
So after staying up until 4 AM (with a great send-off vodka night from Daniel, Deary, and Amy) my plan was to wake up at 7AM get a shower and do a couple things before my 11AM flight. I woke up to my alarm and discovered that it was 9:45 AM! I didn't panic, I just moved very quickly and realized that I was kinda screwed and that my travel was about to get much more complicated.
So, I arrive at the airport 20 min before my flight is scheduled to leave, and go to the ticket desk asking if there is anything I can do to get to Munich to make my connection. After a couple minutes on the phone, the guy turns to me and says, "the plane is about 30 min late, you can still make it." So, I BLOW THROUGH check-in, security and book to the gate at top speed. I make it as people are still walking through the gate, and I'm thinking to myself "wow! this is all my good karma from the end of the semester paying off!" I get on the bus to go to the plane and who's surrounding me? A bunch of Kellys from Syracuse.
(I'll just give you the greatest hits from the conversation I was subjected to here) (keep in mind that none of these girls knows how to use their 'indoor voice', and none of what you are about to read is made up)
"Oh my god! I'm so going to miss my host mom!" "Me too! she cooked for me every night, and it was so good!" "Oh my god! I know! my mom never cooks for me at home, it's always like 'well here's the cereal' "
"Oh yeah! and my mom would never clean my room for me, but my host mom cleaned my room every Wednesday! it was so awesome!!"
"Oh my god! I know! But I'm glad to be going home, because I miss my dog [Mr. Muggles or some equally assanine name] so bad!" "Yeah... I think my dog replaced me when I left the house. My mom pays so much more attention to it. I means she buys it outfits and stuff." (Internal monologue chuckles when i realize that my dog is 100lbs heavier than these two girls dogs put together.)
"My mom is so bad with the dog that she bought it a swimsuit" (for those of you who were curious, yes, a 'girl dog' swimsuit." "Oh my god! well I bought my dog these Ugg boots for Christmas one year. She can't walk in them, but they're really cute!" (this is where i wish they had let me take that bomb through security, because my ideal suicide bombing scenario).
*Fast forward* (I'm starting to get an idea about how fate works, but try to ignore it....)
"Yeah, and I always roll over people's feet with my luggage"
me (using my indoor, voice so quiet by comparison, but not all that quiet): "Then don't do that anymore!"
*Scene 2* Boarding the plane. So I'm one of the last people to get on this little puddle jumper to Munich, because I waited outside to see if my bags had made it. I get on the plane and get halfway up the aisle and see where my seat is. SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF THESE DAMN GIRLS! The seating arrangements were....
WINDOW: quiet kelly : me : AISLE : kimberly : helpless kelly : WINDOW
(for those of you who haven't heard, a Kimberly is a Kelly squared, yeah that fucking bad)
So I look up at the ceiling (well through the ceiling) straight at god and go (Dammit! You have a wicked sense of humor you bastard!!! You make sure I get on the plane, but subject me to THIS?????)
And the greatest hits just keep going.
Quiet Kelly had her stuff spread out across the whole overhead, and took up the whole shared under seat storage. Saw me scowling at her as i rearranged everything and sat down. I think that might be what kept her mostly quiet for the flight.
Kimberly was extolling the virtues of studying abroad once a year, and how Florence was almost as cool as her study abroad time in Barcelona (reputed to be the only Syracuse study abroad which is more party oriented than Florence's program) and how she took a bunch of time off after she 'left' a school after one semester, before going to Syracuse. (Yes, of course this was at the top of her voice.) and she was shouting across me to the quiet Kelly to my left.
Helpless Kelly had a back pack that couldn't fit under the seat, and a tote bag on her lap. When the flight attendant told her she would have to stow both of those things properly. She got a very nervous and a little teary and said "but my backpack wouldn't fit in the overhead *sniff*... oh my god... *sniff*" (this might have had something to do with the fact that she had a blanket, pillow, bicycle helmet, thermos, etc. all lashed to the outside) So as she reluctantly hands the bag to the flight attendant, I once again in my indoor voice offer a stern "It's going to be JUST FINE!" And of course it is, the stewardess gets the bag in no problem.
After takeoff, when quiet Kelly starts crying out the window next to me, A woman seated directly behind Kimberly starts filing her nails. Kimberly, noticeably irritated turns around and states very sternly "Could you please stop that! That sound is very irritating!"
I think about what other sounds of the plane have been really irritating so far, and I can't help my self. I let out a *Laugh?Cough/SNORT*chuckle*COUGH-COUGH.snort/A-hEM!" which gets every one's attention for several rows, and I look around like I just had to clear my throat trying to suppress a stupid grin, Just as this woman goes back to filing her nails. I look around ad give her the nod. "Right on lady! You got the right way to deal with this situation"
The whole rest of the flight I kept quiet and dealt with the flight attendants in Italian.
*Scene 3*
So after burning a couple hours in Munich (and by now, you should see where this is going) I board my flight to Newark NJ (Ok, now you should really see where this is going, i mean even I knew where this was going as I was walking around the Munich airport.) As I approach my seat on the airbus A330, I see in the the quiet Kelly and helpless Kelly in the two seats in front of me. (How the hell did I know that was going to happen before I even got off the first plane??)
Helpless Kelly has her blanket draped over the back of her seat and all over into my seat behind her. I lean around the seat and hand her the rest of the blanket asking politely "excuse me, could you please keep all of this up in your seat." she gets all nervous and says "um, yeah sure" then leans over to quiet Kelly and embarrassed whispers "something, something, ENGLISH, something" to which quietly Kelly says "yeah, i thought that might have been the case..." and their faces stayed red for a little while.
Fortunately Kimberly is on the other end of the plane, conveniently out of shouting distance. But I was worried by the empty seat next to me. It got filled by not a Kelly... but more of a Daphne.... She had a clue, but not much else. But hey, at least she had a clue. I was smart enough to not initiate a conversation. But she did and it was tolerable for the first 20 minutes, but then started sliding downhill towards where I start wanting smack wildly.... Fortunately, there were video screens in every seat. (mine was broken of course) but the important part was the screens worked for all these other girls! They shut up for the rest of the flight!
So that's it. Went through customs in NJ and my baggage even showed up! Before any of those other girls did! Well they each had like 9 overweight suitcases anyway... oh my god!)
So that. In is my short story about the travel gods and instant karma. Tune in next time when I tell you about the Jerzy cab driver who actually has the whole Right Wing/Iraq/Oil Money conspiracy figured out! (no, i mean really!)
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Oh, I too made it to the airport half an hour before the plane left, but I was making my Fetus post, which is obviously more important. I was also surrounded by hot Italians on both my flights- ah, life! My bags, though, decided to escape when they hit Rome, so now they're out on the re tourist buses, stretching out my clothes and stealing priceless artifacts without me! Bastard!
Just before Amy left town she sent me a SMS, which set my phone to ringing during the last act of Carmen at the Teatro Communale. Zuben Mehta threw his baton at me and walked off the podium. The audience threw their rotten fruit(which I suppose they have been holding for the singer playing Carmen, because she sucked) at us. And then they threw me into the Arno (where I managed to create a environmental work with a tragic Spanish theme). Thanks Amy for providing inspiration.
Aw, shucks, anytime! I was hoping via the SMS that the entire theatre would rise against you! It was a way of ensuring you'll never forget me, even if just for vengeance! I figured Italians would carry rotten tomatoes instead of various other fruits. Did this tragedy perhaps involve many dead river rats? If you do come to Toronto and reroute the Great Lakes, I guarantee there's absolutely nothing alive there, so we'd have to start on people...or moose...
Dude, that story was great! it made me realize how much i miss your extensive and dramatic tales and explanations. I wish it would have rain more in florence.
Speaking of Carmen... I came across this joke on-line since i was bored and lazy at home due to the rain; in which a colin story would be much helpful =) tnx, and can't wait to read up on ur ny cab drivers. anywho.. heres the joke.. hope u guys enjoy it..
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most-cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said
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